The moment before everything begins

For a week or so, I’ve had the feeling, a bit of anxiety mixed with a bit of excitement, that I’m on the verge of taking big steps, a phrase I prefer to “on the cliff’s edge waiting to jump believing the net will appear”(yada yada).

At some point today, I should hear back from the person who will tell me what is needed to have a kitchen in which Seductions Chocolates can be made and, then, legally sold, shipped to people who will, we hope, love them. I will find out if this can be done in our house or not. Not = anxiety. In our house = excitement.

In two days, I have the first writing group meeting I’ve had in years. A meeting at which I will share some writing, hand out a short story and actually look for criticism. What I truly want, of course, is for these strangers to love my short story as well as give me needed feedback. Nothing good to say = anxiety. Love the writing and here’s some help to make it better = excitement.

This past weekend, I saw a group of artists in whose company I would love to find myself. Their talent and imagination is something to which I aspire. My feeling that I’m not good enough = anxiety. My feeling when I look at the whimsies I’ve already created = excitement.

I have had a few moments this past week when I am immobile, when the sheer cosmic weight of all I’d like to do with my life feels impossible to shift. Then I remember that all I’d like to do with my life isn’t a burden I need to push before me up a hill, and a steep hill at that, it’s a journey to fantastic places and fantastic people. The weight is joy and accomplishment. And I’m already at the top of the hill. I got here doing all the things I didn’t want to do with my life. The work, a lot of it without joy, that I did in order to pay the bills. The co-workers who made life more of a misery than was necessary with their complaints and their attitudes. Bosses who made more work than I would have had to do if they’d just stayed away. My journey now surrounds me with all the things I want to do, not have to do. It is a gently rolling path down the hill with a view of the amazing landscape stretching before me and all around me. And I’m not alone on the journey.